If You're Already Hooked, Don't Waste Time With Other Fish

Ladies, if you already have a man in your life, why waste time trying to hook up with another one?  Especially if the "other" man has a girlfriend, or just isn't interested in you that way?

These are my questions to the world.  Why let other people affect you when you have someone in your life who "is worth waiting for" and "who makes you happy"?  For example, a girl I know currently has a boyfriend of four years and got all pissed off at one of her friends for making out with a guy that she really like right in front of her, and yes her friend knew.  I know that her friend was rude, but at the same time, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND ALREADY!!  She swears up and down that she loves him and only wants to be with him, but yet she still goes out looking for other guys that she can like in the moment.  It confuses me soo much.

Being in a relationship isn't one-sided and it also means being committed to ONE person and no one else.  Also, if you are in love with your significant other, than how could you possibly be open to other people in an intimate way. (to be continued below)

This just in... putting out a self-image to the world and then getting pissed off when people actually percieve you that way (go figure) is being hypocritical, and people like this are in for a rude awakening. 

(continued...)  Getting mad at someone for judging you based solely on your looks is pointless because we live in a society where being beautiful means being between a size 0-5, being active, and at the same time, putting out the image of just "naturally" being that way.  Unless you are under 5'4, a size 5 shouldn't be in your weight/image vocabulary.  Girls who are say 5'8"-5'10" who want to be a size 5, weigh 150 lbs, and can only get into a size 10 without dying should be glad.  That is pushing being anorexic for their body structure.  My sister's friend is an example of this.  One of my friend's sisters' is a size 3 and she is 5'10".  Okay getting off of the self-image issue now.

You can't be in a committed, loving, ADULT relationship until you love yourself, which allows others to love you back.  The main person that I'm talking about in this blog doesn't love herself enough to be in the relationship whole-heartedly.  Going into the relationship and acting like you're single when you're not makes karma your enemy.

I leave you with these quotes:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. {2} If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. {3} If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. {4} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. {5} It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. {6} Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. {7} It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. {8} Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. {9} For we know in part and we prophesy in part, {10} but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. {11} When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. {12} Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. {13} And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. , 1 Corinthians 13 NIV

Spring Break so far? Not so "It's a wonderful life"

Hello all once again.  Hope that everyones Spring Break is going better than mine.  I was very excited about Spring Break.  I mean, what's not to love.  Going home, getting away from the people you might be in an argument with, getting away from classes, seeing the people from home that you missed.  There are loads of things that I saw as positives about Spring Break.  Seeing my mom and sister were my two biggest positives.  They both irk me most of the time, but I still love them dearly and couldn't wait to spend my time off with them.  The second day I was home, my sister outright told me that I should go back to college.  She said this in public, in front of her friend, during the intermission of Dance of Desire.  It ruined the entire second half of Dance of Desire for me.  I was crying in public.  I can't even remember the last time that I truly outright had tears rolling down my face.  I was so angry about that and I let my mom know.  She told me that she couldn't believe that this kind of stuff was still going on now that I was an adult.  Why couldn't I just be a peace kind of person, instead of making all hell break loose?  I went to a play on Saturday night with my sister and that same friend, although, they were both polite, respectful, and well-behaved.  I was almost in a state of shock.  Her being nice and friendly towards me made a world of difference and until tonight, my Spring Break has gone very well.

On Monday, Elisabeth and I went to South to see teachers and current band nerds that are slaving away in that school.  It was fun and I enjoyed myself.  I also enjoyed spending some much needed time with a great friend.  It gave me more hope that the next five weeks would go a little more smoothly until summer.

Then earlier today, my sister kept ranting about how she wanted a puppy and blah blah blah.  Well we found one, but the adoption fee was(is) $200.  My mom originally said that she would pay it and my sister could pay her back once she started her job in April.  So my sister and I both got our hopes up about getting this cute little puppy.  I have never seen this type of dog in a toy variety before.  This was exciting.  It isn't that my sister and I were planning names for it or anything, it was just that this was something that I could help her with and it could be ours, together; something that we both wanted mutually and that we would fight over in a loving way.  Planning that out already in our minds, we were approved for adoption and everything was set up to get the puppy and pay for it tomorrow.  My mom comes home from her date that she had tonight and tells my sister and I that oh, btw, she wasn't paying for the puppy and that no dog was worth $200.  That is one of the cruelest things I have ever heard her say about anything.  She made my sister cry and my sister cried once again when I emailed the lady at the animal shelter telling her that we weren't financially able to adopt the puppy.  Hell, I almost cried.  Getting so attached to one puppy that I haven't even met or spent any time with and then getting let down was one of the most emotional things that I have gone through in a long time, since my step-dad lived in this house.

My Spring Break has been an emotional roller coaster that I am ready to end.  I just want to get back to MY life at college.  I'm looking forward to summer, but I am not looking forward to having to come back here to this house everyday and having to deal with the drama that comes out of it.  Hopefully I will be able to work my butt off during the week and have some R&R time on the weekends, but still be able to have my own life.  Not having my own life, apart from my mom and sister this summer will ruin me.  I know it.  It will push me to the edge of my limits and I will have to seek counseling or something.

I leave you tonight with a quote from Garden State, one of my all-time favorite movies, which describes how I feel about my "home."

"You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for ..You're your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."   ~Zach Braff as Andrew

Currently Watching Garden State By Natalie Portman, Peter Sarsgaard see related

What is going on?

As of right now, I haven't been to Global Perspectives in a little over two weeks.  That is not like me at all to just blow off my classes even though it is an 8 am.  Take this morning for example, I was up and fully awake @ 7:15 and I just didn't have the motivation to pull myself out of bed, shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, get my crap together, walk down the hill, and finally go to class.  One of the main reasons was because I knew that some point in time I would have to walk back up the hill or stairs to the LLC and I just didn't want to put the energy into it.  I am subconciously, and sometimes conciously, sabotaging myself as far as my classes go.  Being sick the past six weeks hasn't really helped me out in any situation.  That also caused me to sink to a new level of depression and I actually started to get the emo vibe.  Once I felt that, I knew that I had gone as far down as I wanted to go.  As soon as I started feeling that way, I went up to Susan's room and talked to her about how I was feeling. I just wanted to be with someone who would listen and bring me up, instead of down.

The next day after my emo mood, I went to the counseling center and my first appointment is tomorrow.  I feel like there is something that is messed up inside my brain.  This morning I knew what my responsibility was and I failed miserably at it.  Not going to class is the worst thing I can do for my personality, as far as me wanting to keep my GPA to a level that I deem acceptable for myself.  I'm not even happy with it right now, and it is a 3.5.  I need someone to break all of the emotional and psychological damage that my stepdad placed on me at such an early age.  Hopefully, talking with someone who is impartial to my situation and who is trained to help people work through, and hopefully overcome these types of issues, can help me see myself, for the first time, as who I really am, instead of what I was trained to see.

The other day I caught a glimpse of what I actually look like.  I was just looking at myself in the mirror, I was seeing myself.  I saw beauty, grace, talent, kindness, bitchiness, all of my flaws and every good thing about me.  This was truly life changing for me because now I am starting to notice that I am doing damage to relationships with others because of how I see myself, not how they see me.  Breaking this negative self image and discovering and building a new one, will help me to become the person I essentially want to be.

I can't wait for Spring Break and just a chance to be at home with my mom and sister and our animals.  The break will be good for me.  I can clear my head, rest, and decide what direction I want my life to go in, and hopefully, not be afraid of making mistakes or failing at something new.

Thanks to all the people who have supported me throughout the ordeal with my parents' divorce and my mother's craziness in choices of men, and to all of the new friends that I have made since being here at Appalachian who have supported me and made me feel like I was at home, wanted, and loved.

Currently Listening The Fantasticks (Original 1960 Off-Off Broadway Cast) By Harvey Schmidt, Tom Jones, Jerry Orbach Try To Remember see related

Why is it that when I get sick, I can't seem to get rid of what I have?  I have been sick for six weeks now and a week and a half ago I really thought I would be rid of it.  This past weekend though I got a fever and started feeling crappy and just wished that I could die at times.  There were some good moments though.

This past weekend was district band weekend and I got to spend time with my favorite high school students from South and some Cannon kids.  I went out to dinner with my South buddies on Friday and Saturday night, although on Friday night, I was pretty much kidnapped by Childers, my former band director.  It made me miss high school soo much and I wanted to go back and just be a part of district band as a high school student, experiencing it as an insider, rather than being on the outside looking in.  I felt out of place in a way and much older than I am compared to them.  I didn't used to think that high school was such a big deal to me, but I found out that I was wrong.  All of the good memories I had from band and being the kind of player I was in high school came flooding back and I got so upset that I wasn't able to go to the concerts because of a required recital.

I thought that I was a pro at just accepting how life changed and that things HAD to change.  Oh well, all I can do is just deal with the changes and make them for the better.  TTFN

Currently Listening A Fever You Can't Sweat Out By Panic! At the Disco Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage see related

So, I know that I haven't written in a while.  My life is finally turning in a new direction. I decided to rush KK Psi.  Umm... I don't really have too much else to say except that I am not dying from being a Wataugan and a music major at the same time.  I thought that it would stay the same as last semester workload wise, but actually it is easier.  I'm such a band dork and I can't wait for marching band to start up again, even though I bitch and moan about it being hot or cold or whatever.  I am also practicing more than I did last semester and I am very proud of myself for that.  Hopefully I will keep it up.  Anyway.. that's all for now. 

Currently Watching Robin Williams - Live on Broadway see related